Shame Resilience: Facing the Fear of my Limits

Shame resilience theory is a grounded theory and is based on building resilience to shame by connecting with our authentic selves and growing meaningful relationships with other people.

I grew up as an achiever, always doing my best but despite the efforts, I always felt inadequate. Despite all the effort that I do, I always believed that my work quality is average up until I started to learn how to appreciate myself.

When I enrolled in a Positive Psychology Coaching course I learned more about the concept of shame and it has opened my mind that I was more than the person that I was always thought myself of. I was enough and worthy— and it was the validation I needed for so long. I was limiting myself for so long.

Shame I’ve always felt ashamed and thought that the photos that I take are very mediocre so I kept photography as just a hobby, I knew I had the skills but not the edge from others; I didn’t even have the resources and knowledge to be confident in myself. I knew I could take good photographs but there were a lot of “buts”. It was until my friend who works in a gallery approached me and told me that I should consider having an exhibit.I said no to the offer and it has bugged me ever since that I did not say yes to that opportunity. When I started to read and study positive psychogy, I learned that what I felt back then was a feeling of shame. I felt inadequate and unworthy because as I kept looking up to professional artists, I also kept comparing them to me. After all, they had the educational background, the connections, the years spent in the craft. The American Psychological Association defines shame as: “A highly unpleasant self-conscious emotion arising from the sense of there being something dishonorable, immodest, or indecorous in one’s conduct or circumstances; typically characterized by avoidant and defensive behavior.” Studies made by Brene Brown (2006) have shown that as a fundamental human emotion, shame can have diverse effects on our mental health and wellness— “a wide range of mental and public health issues including self-esteem/concept issues, depression, addiction, eating disorders, bullying, suicide, family violence, and sexual assault” (Brown, 2006). Shame should be addressed and not just easily put aside and dismissed. There is a need to build a scientific understanding of shame as it can bring negative mental consequences when left unchecked, it can play a role and further intensify the incidence of the above-mentioned concepts.

Shame Resilience Theory and Importance

I then learned from my positive psychology program that shame can be overcome. That I could face my fear of inadequacy and it was all explained under the Shame Resilience Theory. Shame Resilience Theory (SRT) was first mentioned in a 2006 paper by Brené Brown is, and as the name suggests, it is a theory that looks into the definition of shame and responses to feelings of shame. According to Brené Brown, feelings of being “trapped, powerless, and isolated” (Brown, 2006) can come from experiencing shame. Her study also suggested Brené Brown says our physical reaction to shame is likely the same as our reaction to trauma; and that individuals and cultures differ on shame triggers, the most common are:

• appearance and body image,

• sexuality,

• family,

• motherhood,

• parenting,

• professional identity and work,

• mental and physical health,

• aging,

• religion,

• speaking out,

• and surviving trauma

The range of the above examples just shows how diverse shame can affect a person, thus there is a need to identify one’s trigger to be able to cope up or foster resilience. Since shame results in feelings of being trapped, powerlessness, and isolation, SRT aims to study and find strategies to transform the previously mentioned emotions into their opposites which are: empathy, power, and connection. The SRT proposes four steps to reach the state of resilience:

1. Identifying the vulnerabilities that led to feelings of shame
2. Recognizing the external factors involved and related to the feeling
3. Enforcing connection by reaching out to others to receive and offer empathy
4. Verbalizing the experience through discussion to try deconstructing the emotion

Put simply, an important part of SRT is making sure that the feeling of shame is recognized, identified, and understood because only then can it be overpowered. Research about SRT noted, and something I learned from positive psychology coaching is that the feeling of humiliation is most harmful when it goes unrecognized and dismissed— therefore the more a person knows about shame and their specific triggers, the easier they can overcome it.

How to Foster Resilience

Traumatic events can trigger shame, but according to Brown, a person can experience shame from anything and everything. “an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. Women often experience shame when they are entangled in a web of layered, conflicting, and competing social-community expectations. Shame creates feelings of fear, blame, and disconnection.” So the question now is, how can you overcome it? How can you bounce back from such intense emotion and experience that has labeled you as inadequate, not enough, or unworthy? I can recall a lot of instances in which I felt that pang of blame, fear, and isolation. Moments that made you feel like you’ll have those scars your whole life, defining instances that made you label yourself as insufficient, tagging yourself as laughable, scarce with skills or knowledge, lacking and unworthy of involvement. I’ve felt shame when I couldn’t remember the things I reviewed before an exam or recitation when I got low scores in school when I underperformed tasks that imposed high expectations. I’ve felt shame from not being fit enough; for the anxious moments that resulted in panic attacks; my past experiences of failure and frustrations. One thing I learned is that shame can be everywhere, and it cannot be eliminated from our lives, we can only learn to stand up from the nose-dive. We can only learn to take a step again, change our course. And the thing is, resilience is actually found to not be inherent, instead it is something that can be learned…we can train and always have a choice to bounce back! Shame resilience is building from the bottom up. It is a means of using negative emotion as a constructive movement for change. Through the years that Brown conducted her study, she found from hundreds of her interviews with women who had high tendencies for shame resilience had four things in common.

1. They have an awareness of shame and its triggers.

Recognizing shame is the first step to overcoming it. Brown’s research noted that physical symptoms are felt first before our minds become aware of the feeling of shame. Symptoms like dizziness, shaking, and heat or flushing in the face and chest are the most common. She listed some statements too help people be aware of their physical responses the following are just some of them:

• If I could taste shame, it would taste like ________________

• If I could smell shame, it would smell like ________________

• If I could touch shame, it would feel like _________________

• I physically feel shame in/on my ________________

• It feels like ______________________

• I know I’m in shame when I feel _______________

As Brown continued to study positive psychology’s shame concept, she then introduced “unwanted identities”; these are traits that are not aligned with the concept of our ideal self. These are the traits that are not part of who we are aiming to be, she recommends using statements to help identify the triggers of that insufficiency emotion an example are the following:

• I want to be perceived as ____________ and ____________
• I do NOT want to be perceived as ______________

These unwanted identities are molded by our culture and families and we have to recognize it as it resurfaces. An example would be the case of Sylvia, an interviewed subject from Brown’s research, whose shame trigger is being viewed as a loser. As an athlete from her younger years, his father had high expectations from her and when her performance doesn’t meet up to his standards, she is branded as a loser. That feeling of insufficiency reappeared again when her office started labeling weekly office performances into winners and losers. As she performed competitively, she made the list of the winners and she used to make fun of and judge those who weren’t on the list. But when she made the loser list, she realized that she had a hard time accepting it and realized how being labeled as a loser has affected her all her life. As she recognized the shame, she was able to deal with it constructively.

2. Actively looking out for your shame triggers.

Shame as Brown noted, can be experienced by anyone and is present everywhere and in everyone. We must keep in mind that whenever we feel this feeling of inadequacy, we are not the only ones who had that reaction. We only had to look at the bigger picture to see that we are not alone in this, she formulated the following questions that might help:

• What are the social-community expectations?

• Why do these expectations exist?

• How do these expectations work?

• How is our society influenced by these expectations?

• Who benefits from those expectations?

• How realistic are my expectations?

• Can I be all these things all the time?

• Am I describing who I want to be or what others want me to do?

The limits that I have been putting on myself as I didn’t know were actually disguised growth opportunities. With my ongoing positive psychology coaching sessions, I believe I could learn more to be resilient and use this shame to my advantage.

I am looking forward to the time that I finally break the boundaries that I have restricting myself with.

Do you have a story about overcoming shame resilience? I would love to hear your questions and stories on the comments!