Psychology Behind Serving and Spilling Teas: Gossiping, a Social Skill
Psychology behind serving and spilling teas most of the time, gossiping is regarded as negative and destructive. But evolutionary psychology says otherwise! This is one of the most intriguing fact that I learned as I took the path of becoming a life coach.
According to social scientists like Frank T. McAndrew gossiping is actually natural and not inherently bad. In evolutionary psychology, it is considered as a relic of our past, a skill that was used to survive and achieve pass genes across generations.
In this article:
Why Gossiping is Not Bad
A Means for Social Order
Positive vs Negative Gossiping
Life Coach Training Tips for Workplace Gossips
How to Gossip Positively
Knowing about other people’s lives was necessary to get ahead socially and those who did not take part were put at a disadvantage. McAndrew mentioned those did not partake on gossiping were not good at attracting, keeping mates, or maintaining alliances and “sort of got weeded out”.
Why Gossiping is Not Bad
Gossiping is not bad, because as McAndrew says, “Gossiping is a social skill”, the thing that makes gossip become a good, bad or neutral thing is not its content but how the information is used and acted upon. In a study by Megan Robbins, verbal conversations of 467 adults were monitored with electronic recorders for two to five days. As the researchers listened to the sound files, anything they classified as gossip (talking about other people who are not part of the conversation) is categorized as either positive, negative, or neutral. The following were its findings:
- 75% of the recorded gossip was classified as neutral;
- Women were most likely to gossip neutrally;
- Extroverted people were more likely to engage in gossip than introverts
According to the lead author, Robbins, gossip is social information and we use to learn about the social world around us. This further supports Mcandrew and the other studies about gossip: that most of us gossip and it’s about sharing information about the world we live in. We mentioned earlier that “the thing that makes gossip become a good, bad or neutral thing is not its content but how the information is used and acted upon” An example of an instance where gossiping is considered good is when you use the information gathered responsibly and accurately. For example, you found out that the one person that your friend is dating has a history of violence and cheating. Gossip is considered good if you let your friend know, not to hurt them, but to regard them as a warning. It becomes bad gossip if you do not act on the information and tell other people than outright mentioning the information to your friend who is dating the person. One important lesson that not all life coaching schools mention is that: The key to being a good gossiper is when you share information in an appropriate way that can help others; a bad gossiper is someone who divulges information about others to get ahead or put themselves at an advantage, or just plain recklessly and become a source of disinformation.
– increase in heart rates when they hear of another person’s injustice and anti-social acts.
– But as they start to actively gossip about the situation or the person, there was a decrease in heart rates. Gossiping, to quote Feinberg, “helps calm the body.”
I briefly learned in my life coach training that gossiping is also a reflection or measure of the level of relationships people have with each other. Stacy Torres, associate professor at the University of California, researched gossiping in older adults and found that gossiping acts can come from a need to feel close to people. She mentioned that people find intimacy in the act of sharing experiences and in knowing that the other person has the same perspective or feeling about other people. Other notable researches found that gossiping:
– can stave off loneliness,
– can facilitate bonding and closeness and
– become a form of entertainment
Inherently, gossiping is not all bad and some good can come of it — but only when people have the right and good intentions.
A Means for Social Order
According to research by Robb Willer, Professor at Stanford University, gossip is one of the social forces that bring us, people, together and that which drive them against one another and it has both positive effects and moral motivations.
His studies brought to light the “prosocial gossip”— a type of gossip that serves to warn others. According to his studies, because of a concern to help others, the more generous and moral individuals are likely to report rumors about non-trustworthy people. Willer also mentioned that most gossips are driven by concern for other people that promotes positive social effects.
Willer’s group also found that engagement in gossip can be an expression of an individual’s frustrations and other negative emotions, especially when the gossip is about someone who had deviant behavior. For example, a student who did contribute to the group work got a higher grade average than someone who actually put in a lot of effort. This student who had exerted the effort may tend to share the gossip (about the undeserved grade of the delinquent groupmate) to another person even though the other person doesn’t know who that person is.
Feinberg’s study also showed that gossip can be a means to promote collaboration by spreading significant information. Disinformation or not correcting untrue gossip doesn’t have any pro-social benefit.
Another interesting Feinberg study (which was set as a quick example in my online coach certification program) looked into the effect of gossip in curbing selfish behavior. In the study, he divided participants into groups and each individual was given points to represent small amounts of money. They were then given the freedom to keep the points for themselves or contribute points to the group—contributed points were to be double and redistributed equally.
As everyone in the group was aware of the decision of their groupmates, they were then asked to play the game again in different groupings. Participants can inform their new groups how much another person had given in the earlier game, and the group will then vote to eliminate the person who had previously behaved selfishly.
As everyone in the group was aware of the decision of their groupmates, they were then asked to play the game again in different groupings. Participants can inform their new groups how much another person had given in the earlier game, and the group will then vote to eliminate the person who had previously behaved selfishly.
After elimination, the remaining individuals were found to be able to work more harmoniously and increase their group contribution. And what’s more interesting are the following:
– People who initially gave less than half of their points increased their contributions by the end of the later rounds;
– Those who were eliminated gave significantly more after they were allowed back into the game, thus conforming to the less selfish behavior.
Positive vs Negative Gossiping
In becoming a life coach one needs to learn how to teach people how to distinguish these two kinds of gossips. People know negative gossip when they hear it, and we are aware when we are the ones spreading it. Negative gossip makes you cringe, it is provoking, and destructive. Negative gossip can destroy a person’s life and career if taken too far. If you are still unsure in distinguishing the two, here are some examples:
– A friend tells you about your colleague’s latest crush— without consent from your colleague.
– A group of doctors shares information about the patient’s name and medical situations—of which the act sharing is not significant in helping the patient medically.
– You inform a co-worker about the drunken state of a mutual friend that you witnessed.
– A peer receives a scholarship and you start telling people your peer only slept their way up to get the grant.
– On the other hand, positive gossip, or the prosocial type,
– can encourage self-improvement
– give you a self-evaluation into why you are unhappy in the situation
A way to distinguish if it’s positive or negative gossip is to fully reflect and restrain yourself before sharing information. It would be wise to share your gossip with people you trust— instead of everyone you encounter. A trusted colleague can help you reflect on the situation and vocally expressing your concern can help you realign your perspective,
Life Coach Training Tips for Workplace Gossips
Gossiping at work is more common than how people usually expect it. Here are just some of the statistics about it:
-A research by the Georgia Institute of Technology, showed that 15% of workplace emails contain gossip.
– It is 2.7 times more likely to be a negative gossip than positive.
– Higher executive are the most likely to spread gossip.
– Gossip in formal conversation are as frequent as it is in informal conversations.
– Although we have previously mentioned that gossip is not inherently bad, gossip can have bad repercussions in a workplace
– It may tend to alienate people, which can turn into strained relationships.
– It may increase conflicts and stress.
– Gossip can hamper confidence and result to a decrease in trust and can result to poor morale, lack of motivation and engagement, and lessened productivity.
As most organizations rely on teamwork gossip can be distressing– for it can fracture teams, result in cliques, and make working together difficult or even impossible. If you are or when your client is handling a team and gossip comes shattering the team, one must know how to keep gossip in control, letting gossip loose can disrupt your career! But how do you do it? Well, you must first know that gossip is a result of poor management. To address this, you might need to realign management by setting up clear expectations and proper examples for others. The following are just some of the things that life coaching courses online will surely recommend too!
– Be a good example. Refrain from gossip. Things mentioned to you in confidence, should be kept only to yourself. Sometimes emotions may run high and have you the urge to say something bad about someone, something that is mean, negative, puts someone in a negative light, or has the potential to create misunderstandings— don’t do it.
– A good habit to learn is, as you are trying to decide if an information you have is gossip or just an idle chit chat, try to ask yourself first if you would say the same thing to the person’s face. If not, then don’t mention it to anyone.
– Don’t listen to gossip. Listening to gossip promotes the act, even if you are not saying anything. Try to change the subject, say something positive, or simply walk away.
– Make it a rule. If there are no company policies about gossiping, make it your policy. Let people know that gossip will not be tolerated, and that they should not tolerate others.
– Confront it early. If you find someone has gossiped confront them straight. Tell them exactly how gossip harmfully impacts the workplace.
– Communicate steadily and regularly. This is probably the most important tip. When employees know what is going on in the workplace and feel like they are being kept “in the loop,” they are less likely to gossip.
Don’t let gossip destroy your team, your department, your organization, or your career. Know that you have the power to stop it. When you take the path of becoming a life coach, not only will you be able to help prevent workplace gossiping, you may even learn about encouraging gossiping! Now this is about positive gossing that will be discussed below.
How to Gossip Positively
Im telling you, is the kind of gossip that is best for the workplace!
Positive gossip will uplift your own and the spirits of others, it can also result to having other people like you more, and when positive gossip reaches the person you gossiped about this might just and inspire her or him!
Everyone benefits from positive gossip. Try to look at it this way, would you rather work in a place people say nice things behind your back or where people stab each other in the back?
The following are some recommendations to take part and inspire a positive gossiping culture in the office:
- Challenge people to engage in positive gossip. Encourage and practice saying nice things behind the backs of your co-workers. I bet it will make you feel good! Why? Because doing something nice, elevates our experiences we can have. Doing well at work is great but coupling the experience by saying positive things about others is going increase the good feeling—tenfold.
- Be a leader, and shift conversations. Practice shifting conversations from negative gossiping to positive. If a co-worker starts with, “Did you that Chris messed the Ruby’s deal? They didn’t like proposal and now there might be a delay in the project!”
The best way to deal with this is by replying, “Oh really, but generally Chris is really good at presentations! I remember him handling the Amil account, the very delicate deal we had last year, so I am not sure. There must be more to this story.” Now you can shift the act of gossiping by saying “What if we stop by Chris’ office and if there is something we can do. After all, we’re all affected if there really comes a delay.”
- Observe and wait as the same kind of gossip comes back to you. Leading people through positive gossip, you also become the subject of the same kind of positivity. You will be taken in a more positive light, and people may become more friendly and warm towards you as they will feel more trust in you- the concept of Karma or the Law of the Harvest (for Westerns). What you sow, so shall you reap.
Positive gossip generates an environment where individuals begin to look for the best in each other. A lot of psychological experiments have shown that appreciation and optimism are beneficial for all organizations— even in the smallest unit like your family up to the biggest multi-national corporations. I actually would regard gossip negatively if I didn’t learn about positive gossiping from my life coach training!
Most companies are simply better places to work than others and naturally, you may want to work in the best place you can—But most of the time, it all starts in you! Be the change you want to see in the world.
Over to you now. Have you ever experienced some of these psychology behind serving and spilling effects before? If so, how did you deal with overcoming them? I’d love to hear your thoughts on the topic and see what the best ways are to combat them.
Start gossiping positively today!
