Neuro-Linguistic Programming Breaking Rapport and When to Use It
Breaking rapport, you’ve communicated that you don’t have your listener’s best interests at heart. And when that happens, you lose your ability to keep his or her attention or to influence his or her thinking. Neuro-Linguistic Programming will teach you how to create a good rapport and the best thing about it is that it also teaches you how to break rapport— and why the skill for disconnection is important.
In this article:
Why Learning Mismatching is Important
How to Thoughtfully Break Rapport
When to break rapport
Neuro-Linguistic Programming Tricks: Seven ways to mismatch
1. Break eye contact
2. Turn slowly away from the person
3. Stop matching
4. Close the papers
5. Suggest looking at diaries
6. Stand up or move
7. Apologize
But before you continue you might like to consider our free worksheet on exploring “Escaping Self-Sabotage”. Please download this worksheet here.
Why Learning Mismatching is Important
The core of mismatching is doing dissimilar actions to the person you are interacting with. Examples will be speaking in a different tone, dressing differently, speaking at a slower or faster pace, or shifting to a different posture. As NLP teaches about creating rapport, it also discusses breaking rapport. There was a study on a team of doctors who had an increase in patient workload. In the initial observations, researchers noticed that most of their patient meetings were completed within an hour, and meetings with their duty partner (who was sick) took nearly twice as long. Mismatching sensitively was important to help them get through their patient list without being rude and oblivious.
How to Thoughtfully Break Rapport
This skill is best learned by those people who are sought out by people wanting to talk about their problems or illnesses like doctors, therapists, counselors, coaches, etc.
It is as simple as reversing all nonverbal behaviors that communicate the establishment of rapport that you may learn in NLP. The more that breaking rapport is subtly done, the more that it looks natural. Sensitive people can easily pick up the signals of mismatching. With oblivious people, it might take you to go through all three particular changes.
- Change in your look and physical movement. Try a different facial expression than your usual or break your eye contact. Moving physically away or turning your back works too.Raise your eyebrows to change the mood.
- Be mindful of your voice and silence: Try to shift your volume, make it louder or softer. Change your intonation how you pace your words. Use the power of silence.
- Pay attention to the words you say: Practice saying ‘no, thank you; with a smile. Switch to your native language to break the harmony and signal ‘I need a break now.’ Be firm and genuine when you say ‘thank you and ‘goodbye’.The ability to break rapport can be as beneficial as knowing how to establish it. Particularly if you are the kind of person that everyone finds enjoyable to talk to, learning to mismatch can save you time!
As you bring a discussion to a close, separating from an issue, saying goodbye, finishing a meeting, and ending an interaction can all be done very graciously through mismatching.
When to break rapport
Breaking rapport is essential to some instances. Some individuals get so great at building rapport with others that simple chitchat flows smoothly that it gets hard to end it. Either they are afraid to offend by disengaging or they don’t know how to finish an interaction gracefully. Time is wasted. Appointments or meetings are missed. Work doesn’t get done. Irritation and boredom come in. Then people risk having to break off quite abruptly, which causes bad feelings. So Neuro-Linguistic Programming comes to our rescue. The skill to break rapport by using simple skills of mismatching can be a lifesaver. You can sophisticatedly give people nonverbal signals when it’s about time to move on, finish the appointment and bring things to a close, without ever saying any words to that effect. Look at the following circumstances and decide which are easier for you to handle and those that need some practice:
- Whenever you feel tired: How can you ninja your way out of a party? No matter how good a party is, you ‘ll eventually get tired, and you need to know when the time has come to head home.
- Using that break to close a deal: Notice how salespeople move a bit away from you when you’re about to decide on your deal. This break in connection with a customer who is at the point of signing a deal is actually a tactic!
The psychology behind that is, a customer might feel pressured and feel remorse with a salesperson around them in the final stage of a contract or deal. Salespeople walk away and leave the customer to look at the paperwork alone instead of becoming connected to that final signing in the customer’s eyes. This approach helps to maintain rapport in the long term if a buyer’s remorse sets in.
- Info overload: Maybe your brain has filled up for the moment and you’re heading into sensory overload. You want time to think and digest what you’ve heard and come back for the next installment later.
- Too stunned to talk Perhaps you’re at a drinks party and become stuck with the ultimate bore and someone much more attractive is at the other side of the room.
- You’re a busy bee: At any one time, you’re going to experience many demands on your energy. Focus and hold on to your outcome rather than satisfying someone else’s.
- You’re getting into tricky subject areas: Sex, politics, and religion are all good subjects to avoid in a business negotiation. They also cause overly lively dinner-party conversations where you may want to blow the whistle, call time out, and agree to differ when discussions get heated
The NLP term for breaking rapport is mismatching. It is regarded as the opposite of mirroring or matching.
Neuro-Linguistic Programming Tricks: Seven ways to mismatch
1. Break eye contact
Look away more often, while maintaining the conversation. Stop nodding your head in agreement.
2. Turn slowly away from the person
Start with one foot, then gradually turn the leg, and then your whole body towards the door you want to exit from. Step back subtly to increase the distance between you and the other person. Alternatively, if you are seated, lean back and turn your gaze to the papers on your desk or glance at something that will give an unconscious message that there’s something you need to be getting on with.
3. Stop matching
Stop matching both movements and conversation flow. Answer more abruptly, without giving the other person conversation cues (uh-huh, yes, oh really), and don’t ask any further questions that require them to respond.
4. Close the papers
Close your folder or computer – whatever you may have been working on together – and put things away in your briefcase. Clear the table. Throw away debris. Put out a visual signal that the meeting has come to an end.
5. Suggest looking at diaries
Begin to look at possible dates for the next meeting.
6. Stand up or move
Stand up, if you are seated, or move your chair back in a definitive manner. Physically move your body and take a small step towards the door, if you are standing.
7. Apologies
Apologize for having to end the meeting and give an excuse about another pressing commitment. Show them the door!
When you use these mismatching behaviors, most people will pick up the clues quickly and realize it’s time to close. That gives them the signal to wind up. This avoids those awkward situations where one person is still talking animatedly and the other abruptly finishes the conversation. No one loses face and there’s no risk of delivering the unconscious message that you are not interested in what they are saying. It also saves time and avoids long, unnecessary conversations that lead to irritation and boredom.
Breaking rapport, you’ve communicated that you don’t have your listener’s best interests at heart. And when that happens, you lose your ability to keep his or her attention or to influence his or her thinking. This is just a glance of what mismatching is about. Getting an NLP Practitioner Training is the key to learning more about mismatching!
Are you ready to enhance your understanding of Neuro-Linguistic Programming and learn how to thoughtfully break rapport for more effective communication? Download our Escaping Self-Sabotage Workbook for free here and begin mastering NLP techniques today!
