Gaslighting: Recognize the Signs and How to Fight It Using Mindfulness

Gaslighting. We may hear this term mentioned several times from friends or family who may have just broken up with a significant other or have just gotten out of an unhappy relationship (whether romantic or not). They may mention things like, “I can’t believe I have been manipulated!” or “I just realized that I’m not being dramatic, I was right for feeling this way.” Yes, gaslighting is not easy – it is abusive, and it should be dealt with early on. And when you study Positive Psychology, it will help you understand it better and how to deal with it using Mindfulness.

What is Gaslighting

Gaslighting is emotional manipulation that results in having the individual question their reality. It is a control tactic wherein “the gaslighter tries (consciously or not) to induce in someone the sense that her reactions, perceptions, memories, and beliefs are not just mistaken, but utterly without grounds—paradigmatically, so unfounded as to qualify as crazy” (Abramson, 2014, p. 2). Slowly, the gaslighting victim will start to second-guess themselves and will become more susceptible to depression, anxiety, poor self-esteem, post-traumatic stress, and codependency.

While this emotional abuse ploy usually happens in romantic relationships, this is not uncommon in family, friendships, and even work ties as well.

In 2015, gaslighting was made a part of the Anti-Domestic Violence Law in the United Kingdom. Finally, emotional abuse has now been considered domestic violence, not only physical and sexual abuse.

Signs That You Are a GaslightingVictim/Survivor

Gaslighting victims or survivors experience abuse differently – from feeling like you need to prove everything you say or do, to getting the urge to over apologize to thinking that you cannot trust people and even yourself, and getting confused all the time to the point that you think you’re going crazy.

In Stephanie Sarkis, Ph.D.’s book, Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People—And Break Free, she outlined a list of gaslighting signs that you need to watch out for.

They tell blatant lies.

Lying may seem second nature to gaslighters. This in turn will lead you to eventually have a difficult time trusting anyone, including yourself.

They deny saying things they said.

Despite having proof that they did something or said something, gaslighters will always insist that it never happened, thus, making you feel confused and will make you start to question reality.

They wear you down.

You may not be able to realize that you have been manipulated for the longest time until it’s too late. And one can’t even say that only the most vulnerable individuals will ever go through something like this. Gaslighters are just super effective in making their victims feel they don’t matter.

They use what’s important to you as ammunition.

Get in a fight with someone who gaslights and he/she will deliberately mention your loved ones just to attack you. They don’t only use this tactic during fights, but whenever they need something from you as well.

Their behavior doesn’t match their words.

Aside from the constant lying, better watch their actions instead of just relying on what they’re saying. Most likely, their words are just mere words.

They use positive reinforcement to confuse you.

To further confuse you – they may often let you down, yet they will give you praises so you would think that they like you and have you think, “oh yea, they’re not that bad”.

They confuse you.

Again and again, this is how they start making you feel bad about yourself to the point that you will slowly lose your self-esteem. Thus, making you believe that you need them for stability.

They project onto others.

They accuse you of cheating or doing something deplorable but in reality, it was actually them doing all that. This tactic is used so you would focus on defending yourself, to distract you from realizing what they’re actually doing.

They try to align people against you.

Gaslighters wouldn’t be called master manipulators for nothing. They may use people against you just to make you feel isolated and see yourself as worthless or unwanted.

They call you “crazy.”

When you catch them in the act or call them out for being abusive, they will just effortlessly call you “crazy” or “out of your mind”. Simple tactic, but to someone who’s been emotionally and psychologically abused, it will make a huge impact which will result in little to no self-esteem, plus mental health issues such as anxiety and depression.

They tell you everyone else is lying.

Another manipulation technique gaslighters use is to tell you that everyone else is lying and that you cannot trust anyone. Feeling alone and unloved, you will then succumb to just rely on the gaslighter even more.

Mindfulness Techniques to Fight Gaslighting

Now that we have a clear idea that gaslighting twists reality, mindfulness will help us become more aware. When you’re present, it will be difficult for the gaslighter to manipulate or distort the truth. Here are some mindfulness techniques to fight off gaslighting.

Meditate

With proper meditation training, you can help protect your mental health as it strengthens your focus. It will help you process things better, slow down thoughts, and let you reassess your emotions, including feelings of anxiety (which by the way is a common effect of gaslighting).

Listen to your Gut

Do you know that Gut feelings are considered to be our “Second Brain”? Through listening to your gut instinct, you will be able to focus on strengthening your self-trust and helping you focus on the present better.

Learn to Prioritize Your Mental Health and Safety

Caught in an argument with someone who gaslights? Stop the toxic discussion as soon as possible as even if you spend all your energy trying to correct their lies and whatnot, it will all be pointless as they will still use other gaslighting and manipulation tactics to make you lose your ground. Also, if you feel that you are in danger, leave right away.

Journaling

Based on Positive Psychology studies, journaling has helped individuals in so many ways. Writing down what happened will help you realize facts from lies thus guiding you not to succumb to any more of the gaslighter’s manipulation.

Lastly, never hesitate to ask for help from someone you trust – a therapist is another good option to guide you to leave the toxic relationship with a manipulator. Always keep in mind that emotional abuse or any kind of abuse is never acceptable. Preserve your sanity by knowing the early signs of gaslighting and leave as soon as possible. You deserve to be appreciated, not manipulated.